So Much

to say and just not enough time in the day. Funny how you can feel strong and in power while at the same time feeling like at any minute you're going to lose it. That has been my last two weeks. Have to make time to start writing again. I need to let this shit out! Until tomorrow. 

Can I just say that

I have the most incredible children in the world. I feel truly blessed that these little people(and the older ones too) have chosen to love me the way they do. No strings attached, just love me. 


I am one lucky girl! 


I am going to miss having them home with me all day. Kind of wish I never stopped homeschooling. 

I tell myself

Relax, just breathe and take things easy. It's so hard. After you've been away from each other for months. I wish we could just pick up the pieces, but that just isn't realistic. Especially when things were not the best when he left. 


I hate that we tend to be better apart then when we are together. When he's gone we don't put up these walls, we let our defenses down. We express what we're feeling without fear of being made to feel ridiculous or stupid. I think, especially this time, life could have changed in an instant and we just laid it all out there. 


Then he came home. 


We can play the blame game until we're blue in the face. It's not going to fix what's obviously broken. I accept responsibility for my part. I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. What else I can be blamed for, how badly did I fuck things up. It's OK. I know I did. I accept that. There's nothing I can do about those things now. If he only knew how I was barely hanging on by a thread the whole time. Just another excuse. It's OK. We'll get through it. I hope.


Eleven years married on the 16th. 20 years together. Half my life with him. The good, the bad and the ugly. Tomorrow is another day. 


It's 1/11/2011 at 1515 Ready or not...GO

What a relaxing day

It's been a while since we as a family have just hung out. We watched movies and a couple episodes of  Torchwood season 1. Bella and Daniella ran around like the crazy girls they are and Raymond did some homework. 


It was just so peaceful. So what I needed after the incidents of yesterday. Today I have tried to not think about it too much. I'm one of those people that tend to let things like this consume her. Today I looked at my kids and felt so lucky. I cherish days like this. 


Time to wind things down, get ready for bed and hopefully get some sleep. 




It's 1/9/2011 at 1910 Ready or not...GO

When will the madness stop?

OK, no matter what side of the party line you are on this just proves once again you have to watch what you comes out of your mouth, what you put out into the internet. There are people out there who take everything you say at face value and will act upon it. Not only public figures but EVERYONE. 

Don't get me wrong I'm all for freedom. We are as a Nation able to say and do what we want. Unfortunately there are people out there who take things to the extreme. It gets me sick to think that innocent people get hurt because of others stupidity. Words can be used as weapons just as easily as a gun can.  

Where do you draw the line? When do you use your head and THINK?!?  There are people out there who are seeking an excuse to pull the type of craziness that happened in AZ. From shootings, to sending letters that are laced, or ignite once they get to their destination. 


It's just so frustrating! It takes the comfort of feeling safe away, because you just never know. Things can change so quickly.


Freedom, it comes with a price. 


So I pray for all who have been hurt today, to that young precious little girl who lost her life. For her parents, friends and family of all involved. 


I am left with this emptiness and wonder when will this all stop? Whether you agree or disagree with this post I am blessed with the Freedom to be able to write it. Let us return to being compassionate and treasuring life. If everyone could just do that, who knows how far we could go.