So Much

to say and just not enough time in the day. Funny how you can feel strong and in power while at the same time feeling like at any minute you're going to lose it. That has been my last two weeks. Have to make time to start writing again. I need to let this shit out! Until tomorrow. 

Can I just say that

I have the most incredible children in the world. I feel truly blessed that these little people(and the older ones too) have chosen to love me the way they do. No strings attached, just love me. 


I am one lucky girl! 


I am going to miss having them home with me all day. Kind of wish I never stopped homeschooling. 

I tell myself

Relax, just breathe and take things easy. It's so hard. After you've been away from each other for months. I wish we could just pick up the pieces, but that just isn't realistic. Especially when things were not the best when he left. 


I hate that we tend to be better apart then when we are together. When he's gone we don't put up these walls, we let our defenses down. We express what we're feeling without fear of being made to feel ridiculous or stupid. I think, especially this time, life could have changed in an instant and we just laid it all out there. 


Then he came home. 


We can play the blame game until we're blue in the face. It's not going to fix what's obviously broken. I accept responsibility for my part. I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. What else I can be blamed for, how badly did I fuck things up. It's OK. I know I did. I accept that. There's nothing I can do about those things now. If he only knew how I was barely hanging on by a thread the whole time. Just another excuse. It's OK. We'll get through it. I hope.


Eleven years married on the 16th. 20 years together. Half my life with him. The good, the bad and the ugly. Tomorrow is another day. 


It's 1/11/2011 at 1515 Ready or not...GO

What a relaxing day

It's been a while since we as a family have just hung out. We watched movies and a couple episodes of  Torchwood season 1. Bella and Daniella ran around like the crazy girls they are and Raymond did some homework. 


It was just so peaceful. So what I needed after the incidents of yesterday. Today I have tried to not think about it too much. I'm one of those people that tend to let things like this consume her. Today I looked at my kids and felt so lucky. I cherish days like this. 


Time to wind things down, get ready for bed and hopefully get some sleep. 




It's 1/9/2011 at 1910 Ready or not...GO

When will the madness stop?

OK, no matter what side of the party line you are on this just proves once again you have to watch what you comes out of your mouth, what you put out into the internet. There are people out there who take everything you say at face value and will act upon it. Not only public figures but EVERYONE. 

Don't get me wrong I'm all for freedom. We are as a Nation able to say and do what we want. Unfortunately there are people out there who take things to the extreme. It gets me sick to think that innocent people get hurt because of others stupidity. Words can be used as weapons just as easily as a gun can.  

Where do you draw the line? When do you use your head and THINK?!?  There are people out there who are seeking an excuse to pull the type of craziness that happened in AZ. From shootings, to sending letters that are laced, or ignite once they get to their destination. 


It's just so frustrating! It takes the comfort of feeling safe away, because you just never know. Things can change so quickly.


Freedom, it comes with a price. 


So I pray for all who have been hurt today, to that young precious little girl who lost her life. For her parents, friends and family of all involved. 


I am left with this emptiness and wonder when will this all stop? Whether you agree or disagree with this post I am blessed with the Freedom to be able to write it. Let us return to being compassionate and treasuring life. If everyone could just do that, who knows how far we could go. 

Tomorrow

I'm going to start a new blog, My Accountability Blog. Although, I don't think that will be it's actual name. I'm still going to keep this one going. This is my release. Where I can just lay it all out on the line and not really worry about who sees it. On here I'm an open book. More so then I can be with someone who is right in front of me. I like writing because I can express myself without being interrupted or influenced by what someone else thinks. I'm all for accepting someones input on things but I need to be able to let everything out. On this blog, I can do that. It's been good for me, starting to do this again. I feel like I'm shedding my skin. Exposing myself. My new one will be the same but about my physical well-being. If I lay it all out there and not allow myself to hide I hope to hope to be more successful. I've made a promise to myself. No matter what, good days or bad ones, I will write everyday. No turning back. I have too much to lose.  


It's 1/7/2010 at 2146 Ready or not...GO

Suicide...

I was reading a story about a young woman, 27, who decided to take her life by jumping off  Trump Towers. The comments I have read have been disturbing. Ranging from sympathetic to total heartless rants of what I would call hatred. This is a person who was obviously suffering. She may have taken a path you would not have chosen but something in her made her feel she had no other choice. Her family and friends were shocked to hear that she did this, saying she had everything a successful person could ever want. Can I just say, success does not equal happiness. Mental illness, depression, feeling totally alone, like no one will understand does not discriminate. A person can outwardly look like they have everything going in their favor on the outside but inside be suffering. Don't be fooled by the smiles and giggly nature of a person. You need to catch the look on their face when they think no one is looking. Pay attention to their conversations, not just what they're saying verbally but what is not being said. I'm not saying her family and friends should have known I'm just trying to give some insight on what to look for. How do I know? Because I've been there. I've had friends try and some succeed. I've been in that state of mind where I have wanted to leave this constant pain and confusion that life can sometimes hand you. On days where I have seemed the happiest to others I have come home and contemplated the darkest of decisions. It's funny in a way, we act so that we don't hurt the people around us. We don't want them to worry. We get tired of those whispers behind our back about how we're doing, so, we fake it. Which when you think about it doesn't make any sense at all. Because in the aftermath of the decision some people make all they leave behind are loved ones full of grief and guilt. Could they have done something? Were there signs? If I had just listened, spent more time, reached out, would that have changed her mind? I don't know, maybe it would have. Unfortunately for this family they will never know.  I'm not writing this to give you answers. There are none. Some people will allow themselves to be helped, others will not. Suicide, it's an ugly ugly thing. No one wins. I've heard, 'They took the easy way out. Why didn't they fight? They were weak." Think about that. Really? Do you think what they did was so easy? Life isn't easy. Choosing to take your own isn't easy. Choosing to LIVE, now that's the challenge. 

If you know anyone who may need help, or you have questions. Please call. 

National Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

It's 1/6/2011 at 1357 Ready or not...GO

One of those days...

When we are growing up they always told us to watch our mouths. Not bully and be kind. As we get older I think  we have to be reminded at times that it still holds true. You have to be kind, watch what you say and how you act towards people. You don't know their circumstances or what they may do if someone/thing rubs them the wrong way. It could be a stranger that says something hurtful, it could be a friend who is just downright mean. So many things can affect how you are going about your day. So many things can be said or done that can send someone off the deep end or maybe want to hurt themselves. You can't be judgmental because you would handle tings differently or talk about people you know nothing about. Not everyone fits into the same box. That's what makes this world an interesting place to be. If we all reacted in the same way to things people would get bored. A world of gray and no colors be amazed by. 

On that note: I woke up in a good mood and I let one person destroy that. I hate that I allow a person, no matter who it is, have that control over me. How I, an adult who makes decisions on my own every day can let someone make me feel like a failure. Make me feel like I can't get better or achieve the greatness I so want to go after. I allow that person to get into my head and mess with the way I look at myself. I know it's my choice to allow it but this is how I've been my whole life. From the parents telling me I'm selfish and will amount to no good to the sibling who always said I was fat and ugly. To the men that stole my innocence and made me feel like there was no other way to live. Now some people will read this and tell me to get over it. But there is just so much, even at my age, that I have not dealt with. No shrink or therapist can help. Until I find that thing, that thing that makes those feeling diminish I fight, everyday. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see, what I allowed myself to become. Some days, when I let these people get in my head I feel like I don't have any more fight left. But I'm a Mom. They are what I live for. I will suffer inside, and on the days like today when I cry because I can't hold it in anymore and they ask why, I will tell them like I always do, "Mom is just having a bad day". Then I bury it, smile and move on. And on those days when I can't move on I'll look at them and tell myself I have no choice. Because my love for them is greater then the love I have for myself. 

Today is not my best day but I will get through it and tomorrow will wake up and pray that it gets better. 

It's 1/5/2011 at 1154 Ready or not...GO

Sleep Deprived

This is how I'm feeling today. Half of me is awake and the other half in a fog. No sleep is not a good thing. Going to be an interesting day. Have I said how much I hate not having a car. Now that hubby is home and the van is still broke down we are stuck here. No ones fault but my own. Should have planned better. So sell the van, buy hubby a lil' something to get him to and from work and keep the Malibu for the myself. That should all happen after we get our tax returns. Ahhh the joy of actually getting some money back. Of course if we didn't have the kids we would be paying out our ass. Another good reason to procreate lol. Bella needs a Mommy and Me day today. I sometimes wonder how much I have screwed her up. She is such an emotional being. I mean she's seven for god's sake. What does she have to be sad/depressed about? So later on I will take her to the mall and we will spend some quality alone time. Have a chat and I will once again try to figure out what's going on in that head of hers. I mentioned the hubby is home. That's been interesting. We will find our groove, it's just taking some time. It's different this time. I kind of think we jinxed ourselves, planning for the happy ending that comes at the end of a good romantic novel. Not realizing we have to dig through the muck to get to that point. I'm not worried though, I think we know each other well enough that we'll figure it out. I hope. My seventeen year old is suffering through his first heartbreak. It sucks. Wish I could take all his hurt for him. Tell him what the right thing to do is. I have to separate myself when I don't want to. He needs to figure this one out on his own. I think this is one of the hardest things a Momma bear ever has to do.  Let them spread their wings and make their own decisions whether we agree with them or not. Just have to be here. OK as I try to unscramble what is going on in my head i have to remember my promise to myself. No editing just hit [publish. Mistakes and all. This is going to be an interesting day. I need sleep.  :-P


It's 1/4/2011 at 0903 Ready or not...GO

1/3/2011 at 2343

We've all heard that saying, "New Year, New You". I think it's a bunch of bullshit. I mean really how many of us actually follow through with the changes we want to make. I know I haven't. I have promised myself for the last 10 years that I would stop being such a procrastinator. That I would lose this weight that has debilitated me for so many years. I kept telling myself that I would not let my mental/emotional state dictate how I live my life. I can honestly say I have failed miserably on all counts. I am still what my doctor says is obese (who am I kidding I know I am). All I have to do is look in the mirror. Diet after diet; life changing plan after life changing plan I always end up in the same place. Feeling ugly, fat and extremely self loathing. I have taken procrastination to the next level. I have laundry that I've been 'getting to' for the last month and a house that could possibly qualify me for an episode of hoarders. As for the emotional/mental state that I'm in. Typical bipolar, depends on what day you catch me. But I'm not doing the things I know I'm supposed to be doing either. I haven't seen my shrink in almost 4 months and don't even ask about counseling. 


In short you can say that I sabotage  my own progress. I feel very alone in making that statement. I am where I am because that is where I have chosen to be. Sucks to say that out loud. I know I am better than this. I know I can do more. I know I was made for more. So why? Why am I so comfortable in this skin that, in truth, I despise so much? 


So here we go. Another year. Another year of saying I will change what I am not happy with. I'm not making any promises. I am going to take things one day, one moment at a time. I will celebrate the small victories and learn from the failed ones. I will live. And next year at this same time we'll see where I land. 


It's 1/3/2011 at 2343 Ready or not...GO. 

Decisions

I rarely make the right ones lately. I knew what I was doing was not the right thing and I chose to do it anyway. So later today I go in and face the music. I will once again be in their hands and not really have control over what happens. I know I've screwed up, whatever progress good or bad that had been made is gone and I now have to start from scratch. I look back and realize that no matter how I felt I should have never stopped taking them because even when I don't feel like they're working they are obviously doing something because now I am totally out of control. The anger, the mood swings, the ups and downs. What's worse is what I've put the babies through. with Raymond gone they've had to deal with the progression of my insanity all alone. My beautiful baby girls are now emotional wrecks. Where once I could mess with them and we would laugh out loud it's now turned into them breaking down and crying. Blaming the disease feels like such a cop out because most of the time I know what I'm doing. I know that if I fight it hard enough I wouldn't do what I do. There are just times where I don't have any more fight in me. I question what is right and wrong, I question whether the kids should be with me or not. I question if it would be better off if I just disappeared. As much as I think about it I know they wouldn't be. I just get scared sometimes as to what damage I'm doing. Does the good outweigh the bad? Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Life

Lately I would say I am one cycle away from being put in the nut hut. Then I have days like today where I wake up and feel like I'm truly alive for the first time in a long time. Maybe it's the three cans of RockStar I've had so far or it could just be a good day. Either way I'll take it!!

until tomorrow...

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher quotes

I have learned that with the help of just one person who TRULY understands, I can get through anything.

I have learned that you don't have to meet a person's physical being in order to call them a true friend.

I have learned that I have more people than I ever thought of to depend on.

I have learned that I have a gift for understanding and talking someone through one of their darkest hours.

I have learned that even though today I feel like I won't make it, I have the strength to tell myself to work hard and move forward.

I have learned that even though I sometimes feel so worthless, my life has worth.

I have learned that I have some of the best friends in the whole world.

And because of everything that I have learned today, I will survive until tomorrow.

This thing

This thing, it’s in my head. In this messed up place that controls my thoughts and my most inner being. This screwed up faulty place. Where all the badness lives. They say you can blame it on some awful childhood experiences. Bullying at school, emotional or physical abuse. They say it's chemical.

It's my head that is at fault, and it's my brain that is the fault. So in the end, it is my fault.

This thing that makes me go up and down, in the same very way that the tide goes in and out. It has the ability to cause destruction, to cause the end of everything.

This thing is everything and nothing. Nothing because you can’t see it so there is no tangible evidence of its existence and Everything because it’s the undoing of me. If I let it this thing has the capability of being the end of me.

This thing, it’s the reminder of the cyclical pattern that my life seems to go. This relentless pattern that I know will never end, never ending imbalance.

This thing brings fear and hopelessness; it brings joy and music to my head. This thing attempts to end the very thing that is me. This thing will never go away, will never leave me be. It has shaped my past and will my future. It's all happening again, this spiral down is starting for I can feel it at the very core of me. The cause of it is in my head. My head that’s what makes me, me. It seeps into every part of my life; parenthood, wife, child, sibling, friend. It has the power to suck the life, the life out of all of them. I think it wants me to lose everything.

This thing makes me fight for every inch of freedom, every free choice I try to make. This thing, this inner demon that clutches my every movement.

I'm fighting, fighting, will it ever end...

Dying Heart

I wish

I could just let myself feel what I need to feel so that way it could just pass and I could move on.

If only it was that friggin simple. I just feel so...lost.

Mixed

emotions, mixed episode, up and down and all around. The result ~ feeling like an utter failure at pretty much everything; but mostly failure as a parent. I look around and it is evident that I'm not keeping up with my parental duties. Yesterday I should have gone to a parents brunch  at SDSU and support my son and I couldn't do it. I broke down at the thought of having face time with other parents and head honchos. Of course he was supportive as always while I broke down into an utter mess in his arms. The seal was broken and I was a disastor the rest of the day. Myy baby girls telling me things were going to be ok. Really what am I doing to these precious angels, these gifts that God gave me to protect and take care of. I try so hard to snap out of it but my brain doesn't want to cooperate. I feel like I'm losing the battle and at times I question what would be best for them.
This week I will fight. I will fight to live and not give up. I will be a good Mom and do all the little things that need to get done. I will love them and not make them worry. I will let them know everything will be ok. I will fight the doubt that always seems to creep into my mind. I will make this a good week.

Somewhere over the Rainbow...

It's officially my birthday

I'm 41. Really? Where the heck did all the time go. It's funny because on some days I feel like I'm at death's door and on others I feel like I could rule the world. It's been a while since I've felt the latter but I remember those days and I miss them.
 My goal this year, to live. Live life to the fullest and not let this friggin disease get me. I've been struggling so much lately and I am just so tired. Tired of the control it has over me. There are some major decisions I have to make. I need to dissect my life and the way I'm living and make the changes that will make me happy. Ones that I know will make my life, my families life better in the long run. Scares the crap out of me really because as I'm writing this I'm already doubting myself. That ugly voice in my head that makes me question my every move. I have to beat her ass and stick her in a box somewhere, show her who's boss. I want to be happy again. I'm going to fight to be happy again.
It's the greatest gift I can give myself.

Everybody's Fool