Feeling the Need

to write again. I think it helps to clear my mind a little. Whenever I stop I really feel it. So I’m going to start. Can’t commit to everyday because I never quite know where I will be from one day to the next. Not meaning physically but mentally. I sound like a crazy woman don't I? Oh well... this is my journey, I claim it.

Release

It’s always temporary but at least it’s something.
Sometimes I feel the walls closing in on me and I just want to scream.
This weekend I allowed myself to scream,
Even if only in my own head.
I let my walls down for a little while.
All at the same time while making sure I didn’t expose too much.
Open and shut at the same time.
I guess it is possible.
I felt a freedom that I remember from when I was young
That freedom that can only result in something going wrong
It’s not doom I’m feeling or negativity, just being real.
I know me.
If I get to comfortable doing something I will do it in excess.
So I am back to trying to control things.
The same things that are so totally out of control
How did I allow myself to get to this place again?
I’ll have to figure that out.

Keeping perspective

There is a fine line that once it’s crossed you just don’t know how to go back. Don’t know if it’s best to just move forward or deal with the crap right then. After a lifetime of ignoring things why all of a sudden is it best to rehash things and deal with them. Is keeping them tucked away so damaging to your soul?

Pandora’s Box

I opened it and don’t like what I see. There is just too much to deal with, too much to work on. I feel like I’m suffocating. Trapped in this box and the lid is sealed shut. I’m pounding at it and no one is coming to save me. I feel so alone and so misunderstood. There is regret that I let people in this time. The analytical eyes of others; that I just feel boring a hole in my head. Ones that although go through their own pain on a daily basis don’t know how or what I am feeling. I don’t blame them. This is a hard thing to figure out for me; how can I expect anyone else to do it?

Hole

There is this hole inside of me. I’m trying to fill it up. Family, friends it’s all in there. So what could be missing? I ask myself that throughout my day. I haven’t been able to find an answer. It’s frustrating. It’s scary. I get angry and just want to say screw it all. Guess this is just how I will live out my days. Always feeling like there is something I’m not experiencing or dealing with.
How can one be so thankful for what they have been given in life and still feel like there’s something missing? Through this road to self discovery I hope to find out.