DoodleJump

NOT something a person with OCD should purchase. Just sayin'

You’re not the same as you were before. You were much more “muchier”. You’ve lost your “muchness” ~ Mad Hatter

That’s how I have felt the last month. Trying every morning to get out of bed and do what needs to get done. Even when I do muster up the energy, emotionally I just don’t have the strength to move forward. So I go to bed scolding myself for wasting another day and say it will be better tomorrow. Many tomorrow’s later and nothing has changed. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m happy, I’m mad. I would almost take not feeling anything over feeling it all at once. Seclusion was nice but not healthy for the little people around me so I got out. So hard, but good for them in the end. They seem pretty oblivious to everything this time and that has been a blessing. So my promise to myself this week, “I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... “~Sam Baldwin

wrong side of the bed...

Initially, this post was going to be one long rant, but I thought why do that. Started off as one of those god-i-wish-i-never-rolled-outta-bed kind of days, and my mood, well let's just say, it’s anything but positive. But rather then bore you with all the gory details of this crazy mind of mine I'm going to go clean and hope to put a spin on how crappy I feel. Who would have thought that cleaning could be so cathartic.

Doctor's orders...

As the title says I have been ordered to start writing again. They think it will help since I've been having a problem with my memory since the ECT and lost so much time. Time, something I hope to never take for granted again.

Some history and then I will move on. I am a sufferer of a disease that most people find hard to understand. I am Bipolar. Something that takes over my brain and at times I have no control over. Hard for someone that needs to always be in control. I was diagnosed officially in '97 although they say I have probably had one form or another since I was young. This year has been the hardest, four hospitalizations and a couple suicide attempts. All I remember is feeling like I couldn't go on. Hard when you realize you can get so lost so fast. I wish I can say I knew what triggered me but I can't.

Part of the treatment I received until the end of May was Electroconvulsive therapy. They say I knew the risks, short term memory loss etc. I can't say what happened, all I know is that when I realized how bad the memory loss was I cut all treatment at Sharps.

Six months, gone in what seems like a flash. My daughter entering public school, birthdays, anniversaries, time that I'll never get back. Memories I cannot retrieve. Not knowing what I put my family through and fearful that if it starts to happen again I won't be able to read the signs. I'm trying to put the pieces back together but I'm not having much luck. So now it's time to move forward. It's just been so hard especially when almost on a daily basis I have to either tell my kids or other family members “I don't remember". The guilt, the frustration. Time to let it go, I'm just trying to figure out how.