The Daily War

"It is a daily war against giving into the darkness. The impulses, and constant voices in your head saying how unworthy to be here, how unworthy of life push into you. But, each day we win, we survive, and those who have not these forces pushing them have no concept of how strong you are, we all are, for winning a war daily against things that would immobilize any of them. I have had people tell me how weak I am, and I know, in my heart anyway, that they would never get out of bed, if for a moment they were shown what really goes on inside. Each day we survive is another victory we can draw on. Don't give up on yourself. We can't lose sight of what it means to live each day out, when your own body conspires against you. We are not weak. We are strong. By surviving, daily, we show how strong we are."  

 ~~~ Praying that I find the strength. ~~~

If my life is like the dust...

Today

my parent's came for a visit. We celebrated Daniella's birthday for the second time this week. She felt pretty special. I love how happy the kids get when Grandma and Grandpa come for a visit. I am so happy that they treasure their time with them. I love my parents so much. Hate that they are getting older. Sometimes I wish we could just push the pause button on life and just live in that moment for a while.

broken

I hate this feeling that things are never going to get better. That I will never have to stop faking it and just, live. I feel like every thought, every action I make is the wrong one. Like a broken glass thrown against the wall and shattered into pieces. Wishing I was like the Iron Giant and able to piece everything together again, to feel whole. I've forgotten how that feels. To not question every motive, every feeling, every thought. The feeling of wanting to give up but knowing I would hurt too many people in the process.  That thought makes me feel so weak, so, broken. Then I remember what they say "broken pieces of glass reflect more light". So my goal is to find that light. The light that guides me forward without the negative thoughts creeping in. The light that shines through the dark rooms my mind tends to wander. Finding that place where it doesn't hurt so much.

Another day

My new drink of choice. This is how I get through days after only 1 1/2 hours sleep. Pomegranite, mmmmmmmm!!