Decisions

I rarely make the right ones lately. I knew what I was doing was not the right thing and I chose to do it anyway. So later today I go in and face the music. I will once again be in their hands and not really have control over what happens. I know I've screwed up, whatever progress good or bad that had been made is gone and I now have to start from scratch. I look back and realize that no matter how I felt I should have never stopped taking them because even when I don't feel like they're working they are obviously doing something because now I am totally out of control. The anger, the mood swings, the ups and downs. What's worse is what I've put the babies through. with Raymond gone they've had to deal with the progression of my insanity all alone. My beautiful baby girls are now emotional wrecks. Where once I could mess with them and we would laugh out loud it's now turned into them breaking down and crying. Blaming the disease feels like such a cop out because most of the time I know what I'm doing. I know that if I fight it hard enough I wouldn't do what I do. There are just times where I don't have any more fight in me. I question what is right and wrong, I question whether the kids should be with me or not. I question if it would be better off if I just disappeared. As much as I think about it I know they wouldn't be. I just get scared sometimes as to what damage I'm doing. Does the good outweigh the bad? Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Life

Lately I would say I am one cycle away from being put in the nut hut. Then I have days like today where I wake up and feel like I'm truly alive for the first time in a long time. Maybe it's the three cans of RockStar I've had so far or it could just be a good day. Either way I'll take it!!

until tomorrow...

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher quotes

I have learned that with the help of just one person who TRULY understands, I can get through anything.

I have learned that you don't have to meet a person's physical being in order to call them a true friend.

I have learned that I have more people than I ever thought of to depend on.

I have learned that I have a gift for understanding and talking someone through one of their darkest hours.

I have learned that even though today I feel like I won't make it, I have the strength to tell myself to work hard and move forward.

I have learned that even though I sometimes feel so worthless, my life has worth.

I have learned that I have some of the best friends in the whole world.

And because of everything that I have learned today, I will survive until tomorrow.

This thing

This thing, it’s in my head. In this messed up place that controls my thoughts and my most inner being. This screwed up faulty place. Where all the badness lives. They say you can blame it on some awful childhood experiences. Bullying at school, emotional or physical abuse. They say it's chemical.

It's my head that is at fault, and it's my brain that is the fault. So in the end, it is my fault.

This thing that makes me go up and down, in the same very way that the tide goes in and out. It has the ability to cause destruction, to cause the end of everything.

This thing is everything and nothing. Nothing because you can’t see it so there is no tangible evidence of its existence and Everything because it’s the undoing of me. If I let it this thing has the capability of being the end of me.

This thing, it’s the reminder of the cyclical pattern that my life seems to go. This relentless pattern that I know will never end, never ending imbalance.

This thing brings fear and hopelessness; it brings joy and music to my head. This thing attempts to end the very thing that is me. This thing will never go away, will never leave me be. It has shaped my past and will my future. It's all happening again, this spiral down is starting for I can feel it at the very core of me. The cause of it is in my head. My head that’s what makes me, me. It seeps into every part of my life; parenthood, wife, child, sibling, friend. It has the power to suck the life, the life out of all of them. I think it wants me to lose everything.

This thing makes me fight for every inch of freedom, every free choice I try to make. This thing, this inner demon that clutches my every movement.

I'm fighting, fighting, will it ever end...

Dying Heart