Fear

What keeps us from moving forward?? Is it the fear of the unknown? It gets the best of us; the best of me? Things that I'll face that I think I won't be able to conquer. Really what's holding me back from the changes I need to make but myself? I think it's because I know once I really open my eyes to what's around me I know I'm going to have to make decisions that will affect everyone around me. There comes a time when you have to lay that fear aside and just move forward. I know deep down I'm still that strong woman I used to be. One not afraid of conflict, not afraid to fail or take on new challenges. I lost her somewhere. The titles of wife and mother; you sometimes lose yourself and let those words define who you are. I love being both but I lost my individuality in the process. I need to gain some of that back. Through this process I think I'll accomplish that. What an interesting journey this will be.

Times like tonight

he seems so far away already. His phone call came and went without much emotion at all. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess something more. I don't have the words right now. Maybe tomorrow I will.

another day

It was a hard night but we got through it. Both Daniella and Bella were upset. So we looked at pictures and I sang them to sleep (poor kids). Need to get Dannie a daddy pillow; she keeps trying to take Bella’s lol. She is one tough cookie and when she wants something she goes for it until she gets it. Hopefully that stays with her when she gets older. Maybe not being so physical, but that drive, you know.
I’m tired; this first week just drained me. Now I have to put on my happy face. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing it. It gets to be exhausting. Next week is a new week. I pray an easier one. Thinking positive, it will be good.

life goes on.

I know that sounds so cold, but, it's our reality. I wake up, feed the kids, do some homework with Raymond and then we go about our day as usual. During those times it doesn't even feel like he's gone. I guess I feel like if I keep us busy enough we won't have time to miss him. In some ways it has worked. In others it hasn't. Our days go by fast. The nights, well that's another story. The lack of sleep I'm used to. The heartache I'm not. Having Bella cry for him, asking why he's gone every night. I tell her to remember he's our Superman. He’s out there doing his part to keep us safe. It calms her down. I wish I could figure out something to tell myself, something that would help me get through my sad times.

To think, this is only the beginning.

so here we go

i dropped him off this morning. i was experiencing feelings i just can't even put into words. watching him wake the kids up and say good-bye. watching their sorrow come pouring out was almost too much to handle. reality sunk in like a tidal wave. it's here. getting that last hug from him, i didn't want to let go. but i did.

If I don't fall asleep....

will tomorrow never come. Will I never have to say good-bye. Will I never have to shed those tears that I know will fall down my cheeks when I give him that last hug. Will I never have to feel that pain in my heart, that tinge of regret that we always wait until he's going to leave to work a little harder to make things right. Knowing things aren't where they should be makes it harder, harder to see him pack that bag, put his belongings away until his return. Right now, this moment, this is what I'm feeling.