Decisions

I rarely make the right ones lately. I knew what I was doing was not the right thing and I chose to do it anyway. So later today I go in and face the music. I will once again be in their hands and not really have control over what happens. I know I've screwed up, whatever progress good or bad that had been made is gone and I now have to start from scratch. I look back and realize that no matter how I felt I should have never stopped taking them because even when I don't feel like they're working they are obviously doing something because now I am totally out of control. The anger, the mood swings, the ups and downs. What's worse is what I've put the babies through. with Raymond gone they've had to deal with the progression of my insanity all alone. My beautiful baby girls are now emotional wrecks. Where once I could mess with them and we would laugh out loud it's now turned into them breaking down and crying. Blaming the disease feels like such a cop out because most of the time I know what I'm doing. I know that if I fight it hard enough I wouldn't do what I do. There are just times where I don't have any more fight in me. I question what is right and wrong, I question whether the kids should be with me or not. I question if it would be better off if I just disappeared. As much as I think about it I know they wouldn't be. I just get scared sometimes as to what damage I'm doing. Does the good outweigh the bad? Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Life

Lately I would say I am one cycle away from being put in the nut hut. Then I have days like today where I wake up and feel like I'm truly alive for the first time in a long time. Maybe it's the three cans of RockStar I've had so far or it could just be a good day. Either way I'll take it!!

until tomorrow...

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher quotes

I have learned that with the help of just one person who TRULY understands, I can get through anything.

I have learned that you don't have to meet a person's physical being in order to call them a true friend.

I have learned that I have more people than I ever thought of to depend on.

I have learned that I have a gift for understanding and talking someone through one of their darkest hours.

I have learned that even though today I feel like I won't make it, I have the strength to tell myself to work hard and move forward.

I have learned that even though I sometimes feel so worthless, my life has worth.

I have learned that I have some of the best friends in the whole world.

And because of everything that I have learned today, I will survive until tomorrow.

This thing

This thing, it’s in my head. In this messed up place that controls my thoughts and my most inner being. This screwed up faulty place. Where all the badness lives. They say you can blame it on some awful childhood experiences. Bullying at school, emotional or physical abuse. They say it's chemical.

It's my head that is at fault, and it's my brain that is the fault. So in the end, it is my fault.

This thing that makes me go up and down, in the same very way that the tide goes in and out. It has the ability to cause destruction, to cause the end of everything.

This thing is everything and nothing. Nothing because you can’t see it so there is no tangible evidence of its existence and Everything because it’s the undoing of me. If I let it this thing has the capability of being the end of me.

This thing, it’s the reminder of the cyclical pattern that my life seems to go. This relentless pattern that I know will never end, never ending imbalance.

This thing brings fear and hopelessness; it brings joy and music to my head. This thing attempts to end the very thing that is me. This thing will never go away, will never leave me be. It has shaped my past and will my future. It's all happening again, this spiral down is starting for I can feel it at the very core of me. The cause of it is in my head. My head that’s what makes me, me. It seeps into every part of my life; parenthood, wife, child, sibling, friend. It has the power to suck the life, the life out of all of them. I think it wants me to lose everything.

This thing makes me fight for every inch of freedom, every free choice I try to make. This thing, this inner demon that clutches my every movement.

I'm fighting, fighting, will it ever end...

Dying Heart

I wish

I could just let myself feel what I need to feel so that way it could just pass and I could move on.

If only it was that friggin simple. I just feel so...lost.

Mixed

emotions, mixed episode, up and down and all around. The result ~ feeling like an utter failure at pretty much everything; but mostly failure as a parent. I look around and it is evident that I'm not keeping up with my parental duties. Yesterday I should have gone to a parents brunch  at SDSU and support my son and I couldn't do it. I broke down at the thought of having face time with other parents and head honchos. Of course he was supportive as always while I broke down into an utter mess in his arms. The seal was broken and I was a disastor the rest of the day. Myy baby girls telling me things were going to be ok. Really what am I doing to these precious angels, these gifts that God gave me to protect and take care of. I try so hard to snap out of it but my brain doesn't want to cooperate. I feel like I'm losing the battle and at times I question what would be best for them.
This week I will fight. I will fight to live and not give up. I will be a good Mom and do all the little things that need to get done. I will love them and not make them worry. I will let them know everything will be ok. I will fight the doubt that always seems to creep into my mind. I will make this a good week.

Somewhere over the Rainbow...

It's officially my birthday

I'm 41. Really? Where the heck did all the time go. It's funny because on some days I feel like I'm at death's door and on others I feel like I could rule the world. It's been a while since I've felt the latter but I remember those days and I miss them.
 My goal this year, to live. Live life to the fullest and not let this friggin disease get me. I've been struggling so much lately and I am just so tired. Tired of the control it has over me. There are some major decisions I have to make. I need to dissect my life and the way I'm living and make the changes that will make me happy. Ones that I know will make my life, my families life better in the long run. Scares the crap out of me really because as I'm writing this I'm already doubting myself. That ugly voice in my head that makes me question my every move. I have to beat her ass and stick her in a box somewhere, show her who's boss. I want to be happy again. I'm going to fight to be happy again.
It's the greatest gift I can give myself.

Everybody's Fool

How life is a waving feather...

disjointed chaos

as i sit here with the meds in front of me i ask myself "why bother". what are they doing for me? i have been so all over the place lately i wonder if they are even doing any good. i know the smart thing to do would be to call my doc but i don't want to hear the same crap all over again. i hate that i don't have a creative bone in my body, i hate the feeling of losing control, i hate that it's hard for me to live up to my basic family responsibilities– getting out of bed, feeding people, doing the laundry, etc.–much less all the nurturing i’m supposed to be doing–whether it’s playing with the kids or supporting them with all their activities or being affectionate in general. i’m perfectly aware of the negative effect my behavior and mood have on everyone around me, and up to a point that awareness can help me function or at least fake it, but there always comes a point where apathy takes over. at these times i don't feel like a very good mother or wife. i just want to be 'me' again.

Well last night

was a sucky night. It always seems harder at night. I think it's the quiet. Which is surprising because I really like the quiet during the daytime. But at night when everything is turned off and all I have are the thoughts in my mind, things get ugly. I think that's why I leave the TV turned on most of the time. I may not be paying attention but at least the sounds of Roseanne yelling at Darlene and Becky fill the air and stops me from thinking too much. I have so much to do today and very little energy to do it. Everyday lately just seems like a broken record. I have to get myself out of this rut and start to get things done. I want to call my psych but I'm afraid to. I hate that sound of concern in her voice every time I call her. Then when she asks that dreaded question that they are required to ask I always have to lie and tell her no. I don't like lying but honesty sometimes is not the best route. One Rock Star down and nothing. These things don't work for crap. I want a brownie.

The Daily War

"It is a daily war against giving into the darkness. The impulses, and constant voices in your head saying how unworthy to be here, how unworthy of life push into you. But, each day we win, we survive, and those who have not these forces pushing them have no concept of how strong you are, we all are, for winning a war daily against things that would immobilize any of them. I have had people tell me how weak I am, and I know, in my heart anyway, that they would never get out of bed, if for a moment they were shown what really goes on inside. Each day we survive is another victory we can draw on. Don't give up on yourself. We can't lose sight of what it means to live each day out, when your own body conspires against you. We are not weak. We are strong. By surviving, daily, we show how strong we are."  

 ~~~ Praying that I find the strength. ~~~

If my life is like the dust...

Today

my parent's came for a visit. We celebrated Daniella's birthday for the second time this week. She felt pretty special. I love how happy the kids get when Grandma and Grandpa come for a visit. I am so happy that they treasure their time with them. I love my parents so much. Hate that they are getting older. Sometimes I wish we could just push the pause button on life and just live in that moment for a while.

broken

I hate this feeling that things are never going to get better. That I will never have to stop faking it and just, live. I feel like every thought, every action I make is the wrong one. Like a broken glass thrown against the wall and shattered into pieces. Wishing I was like the Iron Giant and able to piece everything together again, to feel whole. I've forgotten how that feels. To not question every motive, every feeling, every thought. The feeling of wanting to give up but knowing I would hurt too many people in the process.  That thought makes me feel so weak, so, broken. Then I remember what they say "broken pieces of glass reflect more light". So my goal is to find that light. The light that guides me forward without the negative thoughts creeping in. The light that shines through the dark rooms my mind tends to wander. Finding that place where it doesn't hurt so much.

Another day

My new drink of choice. This is how I get through days after only 1 1/2 hours sleep. Pomegranite, mmmmmmmm!!

DoodleJump

NOT something a person with OCD should purchase. Just sayin'

You’re not the same as you were before. You were much more “muchier”. You’ve lost your “muchness” ~ Mad Hatter

That’s how I have felt the last month. Trying every morning to get out of bed and do what needs to get done. Even when I do muster up the energy, emotionally I just don’t have the strength to move forward. So I go to bed scolding myself for wasting another day and say it will be better tomorrow. Many tomorrow’s later and nothing has changed. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m happy, I’m mad. I would almost take not feeling anything over feeling it all at once. Seclusion was nice but not healthy for the little people around me so I got out. So hard, but good for them in the end. They seem pretty oblivious to everything this time and that has been a blessing. So my promise to myself this week, “I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... “~Sam Baldwin