as i sit here with the meds in front of me i ask myself "why bother". what are they doing for me? i have been so all over the place lately i wonder if they are even doing any good. i know the smart thing to do would be to call my doc but i don't want to hear the same crap all over again. i hate that i don't have a creative bone in my body, i hate the feeling of losing control, i hate that it's hard for me to live up to my basic family responsibilities– getting out of bed, feeding people, doing the laundry, etc.–much less all the nurturing i’m supposed to be doing–whether it’s playing with the kids or supporting them with all their activities or being affectionate in general. i’m perfectly aware of the negative effect my behavior and mood have on everyone around me, and up to a point that awareness can help me function or at least fake it, but there always comes a point where apathy takes over. at these times i don't feel like a very good mother or wife. i just want to be 'me' again.
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