This thing

This thing, it’s in my head. In this messed up place that controls my thoughts and my most inner being. This screwed up faulty place. Where all the badness lives. They say you can blame it on some awful childhood experiences. Bullying at school, emotional or physical abuse. They say it's chemical.

It's my head that is at fault, and it's my brain that is the fault. So in the end, it is my fault.

This thing that makes me go up and down, in the same very way that the tide goes in and out. It has the ability to cause destruction, to cause the end of everything.

This thing is everything and nothing. Nothing because you can’t see it so there is no tangible evidence of its existence and Everything because it’s the undoing of me. If I let it this thing has the capability of being the end of me.

This thing, it’s the reminder of the cyclical pattern that my life seems to go. This relentless pattern that I know will never end, never ending imbalance.

This thing brings fear and hopelessness; it brings joy and music to my head. This thing attempts to end the very thing that is me. This thing will never go away, will never leave me be. It has shaped my past and will my future. It's all happening again, this spiral down is starting for I can feel it at the very core of me. The cause of it is in my head. My head that’s what makes me, me. It seeps into every part of my life; parenthood, wife, child, sibling, friend. It has the power to suck the life, the life out of all of them. I think it wants me to lose everything.

This thing makes me fight for every inch of freedom, every free choice I try to make. This thing, this inner demon that clutches my every movement.

I'm fighting, fighting, will it ever end...