Decisions

I rarely make the right ones lately. I knew what I was doing was not the right thing and I chose to do it anyway. So later today I go in and face the music. I will once again be in their hands and not really have control over what happens. I know I've screwed up, whatever progress good or bad that had been made is gone and I now have to start from scratch. I look back and realize that no matter how I felt I should have never stopped taking them because even when I don't feel like they're working they are obviously doing something because now I am totally out of control. The anger, the mood swings, the ups and downs. What's worse is what I've put the babies through. with Raymond gone they've had to deal with the progression of my insanity all alone. My beautiful baby girls are now emotional wrecks. Where once I could mess with them and we would laugh out loud it's now turned into them breaking down and crying. Blaming the disease feels like such a cop out because most of the time I know what I'm doing. I know that if I fight it hard enough I wouldn't do what I do. There are just times where I don't have any more fight in me. I question what is right and wrong, I question whether the kids should be with me or not. I question if it would be better off if I just disappeared. As much as I think about it I know they wouldn't be. I just get scared sometimes as to what damage I'm doing. Does the good outweigh the bad? Guess we'll have to wait and see.