1/3/2011 at 2343

We've all heard that saying, "New Year, New You". I think it's a bunch of bullshit. I mean really how many of us actually follow through with the changes we want to make. I know I haven't. I have promised myself for the last 10 years that I would stop being such a procrastinator. That I would lose this weight that has debilitated me for so many years. I kept telling myself that I would not let my mental/emotional state dictate how I live my life. I can honestly say I have failed miserably on all counts. I am still what my doctor says is obese (who am I kidding I know I am). All I have to do is look in the mirror. Diet after diet; life changing plan after life changing plan I always end up in the same place. Feeling ugly, fat and extremely self loathing. I have taken procrastination to the next level. I have laundry that I've been 'getting to' for the last month and a house that could possibly qualify me for an episode of hoarders. As for the emotional/mental state that I'm in. Typical bipolar, depends on what day you catch me. But I'm not doing the things I know I'm supposed to be doing either. I haven't seen my shrink in almost 4 months and don't even ask about counseling. 


In short you can say that I sabotage  my own progress. I feel very alone in making that statement. I am where I am because that is where I have chosen to be. Sucks to say that out loud. I know I am better than this. I know I can do more. I know I was made for more. So why? Why am I so comfortable in this skin that, in truth, I despise so much? 


So here we go. Another year. Another year of saying I will change what I am not happy with. I'm not making any promises. I am going to take things one day, one moment at a time. I will celebrate the small victories and learn from the failed ones. I will live. And next year at this same time we'll see where I land. 


It's 1/3/2011 at 2343 Ready or not...GO.