I tell myself

Relax, just breathe and take things easy. It's so hard. After you've been away from each other for months. I wish we could just pick up the pieces, but that just isn't realistic. Especially when things were not the best when he left. 


I hate that we tend to be better apart then when we are together. When he's gone we don't put up these walls, we let our defenses down. We express what we're feeling without fear of being made to feel ridiculous or stupid. I think, especially this time, life could have changed in an instant and we just laid it all out there. 


Then he came home. 


We can play the blame game until we're blue in the face. It's not going to fix what's obviously broken. I accept responsibility for my part. I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. What else I can be blamed for, how badly did I fuck things up. It's OK. I know I did. I accept that. There's nothing I can do about those things now. If he only knew how I was barely hanging on by a thread the whole time. Just another excuse. It's OK. We'll get through it. I hope.


Eleven years married on the 16th. 20 years together. Half my life with him. The good, the bad and the ugly. Tomorrow is another day. 


It's 1/11/2011 at 1515 Ready or not...GO