Exhausted

I’m stopping. I can’t do this right now. I lost it and had a hard time getting things back in line. How did I lose a day somewhere? It amazes me how I can feel so in control of things and in reality be totally out of control. Open your eyes see what you’re doing! I’m tired. I just need to stop, and breathe.

I am

I am complicated.

That statement is so true.
Self has gotten so lost that I am a jumble of emotions, thoughts, and actions that are just across the board. I need some continuity. I realize I have never had that. Some type of timeline for my future. A road that I know is leading somewhere. A road to sanity if you will. At the same time I am so fearful. I am an emotional person by nature. I don’t want that to change. I don’t want it to be hindered by my having to seem a certain way or behave in a certain manner. My sanity or lack thereof is part of me. I embrace that and at the same time I’m doing everything in my power to push it away. I just wish I could get things straight. Figure it out without having to go through this process.
Will I like the person I find? Will it still be me just maybe a better version? Only time will tell.

Consumed

I feel it taking over and I want it to end. I just can’t seem to get my mind to stop thinking about things. Like I said before it’s like I opened up this pandora’s box of crap and now I can’t seem to get it all shoved back in. I feel totally overwhelmed by what I have ahead of me; like I’m losing control. I don’t like that feeling, I don’t know anyone who does. I know this is something I need to do and I am ready but I just am having trouble with the process of the whole thing.
I mean these are things that I buried deep down inside for a reason. They hurt. Right now at this moment; I hurt. It sucks. I’m angry. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs so I can just release some of it. But I sit here, writing. Because “losing it” is not an option.
I sometimes wonder why...why am I doing this? To say to better myself sounds so selfish. No matter what anyone else says. This time would be better served being with my kids and taking care of business here at home. I’m fighting that feeling. I know a better me will make me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. This process just seems never ending. I mean I have been like this since I can remember. Do I really need to figure things out now? Yes, I do.

Feeling the Need

to write again. I think it helps to clear my mind a little. Whenever I stop I really feel it. So I’m going to start. Can’t commit to everyday because I never quite know where I will be from one day to the next. Not meaning physically but mentally. I sound like a crazy woman don't I? Oh well... this is my journey, I claim it.

Release

It’s always temporary but at least it’s something.
Sometimes I feel the walls closing in on me and I just want to scream.
This weekend I allowed myself to scream,
Even if only in my own head.
I let my walls down for a little while.
All at the same time while making sure I didn’t expose too much.
Open and shut at the same time.
I guess it is possible.
I felt a freedom that I remember from when I was young
That freedom that can only result in something going wrong
It’s not doom I’m feeling or negativity, just being real.
I know me.
If I get to comfortable doing something I will do it in excess.
So I am back to trying to control things.
The same things that are so totally out of control
How did I allow myself to get to this place again?
I’ll have to figure that out.

Keeping perspective

There is a fine line that once it’s crossed you just don’t know how to go back. Don’t know if it’s best to just move forward or deal with the crap right then. After a lifetime of ignoring things why all of a sudden is it best to rehash things and deal with them. Is keeping them tucked away so damaging to your soul?

Pandora’s Box

I opened it and don’t like what I see. There is just too much to deal with, too much to work on. I feel like I’m suffocating. Trapped in this box and the lid is sealed shut. I’m pounding at it and no one is coming to save me. I feel so alone and so misunderstood. There is regret that I let people in this time. The analytical eyes of others; that I just feel boring a hole in my head. Ones that although go through their own pain on a daily basis don’t know how or what I am feeling. I don’t blame them. This is a hard thing to figure out for me; how can I expect anyone else to do it?

Hole

There is this hole inside of me. I’m trying to fill it up. Family, friends it’s all in there. So what could be missing? I ask myself that throughout my day. I haven’t been able to find an answer. It’s frustrating. It’s scary. I get angry and just want to say screw it all. Guess this is just how I will live out my days. Always feeling like there is something I’m not experiencing or dealing with.
How can one be so thankful for what they have been given in life and still feel like there’s something missing? Through this road to self discovery I hope to find out.