Consumed

I feel it taking over and I want it to end. I just can’t seem to get my mind to stop thinking about things. Like I said before it’s like I opened up this pandora’s box of crap and now I can’t seem to get it all shoved back in. I feel totally overwhelmed by what I have ahead of me; like I’m losing control. I don’t like that feeling, I don’t know anyone who does. I know this is something I need to do and I am ready but I just am having trouble with the process of the whole thing.
I mean these are things that I buried deep down inside for a reason. They hurt. Right now at this moment; I hurt. It sucks. I’m angry. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs so I can just release some of it. But I sit here, writing. Because “losing it” is not an option.
I sometimes wonder why...why am I doing this? To say to better myself sounds so selfish. No matter what anyone else says. This time would be better served being with my kids and taking care of business here at home. I’m fighting that feeling. I know a better me will make me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. This process just seems never ending. I mean I have been like this since I can remember. Do I really need to figure things out now? Yes, I do.