Surrendering to love...

Sometimes you just have to let go. You let go and just feel what you feel and stop denying the love. I’m confusing even myself right now. I think with his absence I’ve looked to other things to take his place and in the process I’ve felt so disconnected to him. He can't help that he's not here. What he can do is take part in our keeping that connection as husband and wife. That connection we lost even while he was home. It’s almost like we've forgotten how to communicate. We joke, we small talk and that's where it ends. The rut we've gotten into is a dangerous one. We say I love you but really those are just words. Words so easily stated between people nowadays. I can't say it unless I mean it. But there is a difference with saying I love you and being in love with someone. Now those are words I would love to hear again.

the voice on the other side of the world...

so close yet so far away. So cliché I know, but so true. The distance is killing me. Why can't these feelings be there when he's at home? Is that saying absence makes the heart grow fonder that true? When it's right here in front of you, why can't it be appreciated, cherished for how special it is? Continuing to take it for granted and one day it just may not be there.

2:31 a.m.

and I’m sitting here at the computer with the sound of the TV in the background. It’s the Fresh Prince getting in trouble with Uncle Phil once again.

It’s quiet, the kids are sleeping and again, I’m awake. This is my time. I can hop on the computer, play some games or just sit and think. I don't always choose the latter. Especially lately I’ve not wanted to deal with anything.

It’s one of my stages as they call it. Grief, loneliness, frustration, and anger. Who knows nowadays? My mood can change from one moment to the next.

Grief, it's all about my Grandma. To be expected and won't change any time soon. The loneliness hits, especially at night. But like the previous, it won't change any time soon. Frustration, due to events beyond my control I’m behind on a lot of things around here. Thankfully that is in the process of changing as I type this. Anger, don't quite know about that one. The anger I feel towards myself or towards someone else? I’ll have to contemplate that one.

Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward then two steps back. In everything I do I’m always trying to catch up. But to what? To whose expectations do I feel I have to live up to? To mine? To his? To their’s? Life is such a rat race. See who comes out the winner at the end. I think I have to just learn to enjoy the ride. Just let go. Live today, and tomorrow let things fall where they may.

Facing Up

I use no exaggeration
I’m plainly hanging by a thread
And I’m running low on patience
But don’t go blame it on yourself

I wish that I was in my right mind
But I’ve left myself unnecessary chores
I make it bad when it’s just fine
I was whole and sure and now I’m clearly torn, ‘cause there’s

Nothin' left for me to do
Right and left both bring me to
The center of my deepest fear
Where the truth is oh so clear
Embracing inescapable truth
And that's Facing Up to You
And truth is so cruel

Continual irresolution
Keeps me shackled to the ground
And I’ve been in dire need of revolution
For far too many days to count
I thought I was safe in the Hiding Place
But it sure is exhausting, livin' in chains
It’s paradoxical in every way
Nothin' makes sense
I can’t tell love from hate...and there's

Nothin' left for me to do
Right and left both bring me to
The center of my deepest fear
Where the truth is oh so clear
Embracing inescapable truth
And that's Facing Up to You
Truth is so cruel

I’m beggin' myself to make something of it
I give up still unable to comprehend
My own true will...

Nothin' left for me to do
Right and left both bring me to
The center of my deepest fear
Where the truth is oh so clear
Embracing inescapable truth
And that's Facing Up to You
Facing Up to You

~Kate Voegele

Just a quote

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.

~ King Whitney Jr.


I am hopeful.

been a while

since I set the time out to write about what I've been feeling. I think it's because I don't want to see it laid out there in the open. Even to myself I sometimes sound like a record stuck on one note, the same thoughts floating around inside my head. I'm in this rut that I don't think I'll ever be able to dig myself out of. I lay the blame on no one but myself. I mean I've gotten my wake up call. Coming home after being in the hospital you would think the changes would come easily. Well they're not. I don't know if it's because I still don't feel well or because mentally I'm just tired. Sometimes no matter how many people you have around you, supporting you, that feeling of being totally alone just doesn't go away. The list of things I need to work on just keeps getting longer. Who said the road to self improvement would be easy?

so much

has happened. The loss of my Grandma has sent me for a loop. I loved her so much and there is just such a void. Right now I feel so lost. They say be happy, she's in a better place. I say, screw that she should still be here with us. 90 years. What a ride. I just wish it hadn't happened so fast. It was too fast. My heart wasn't able to grasp the thought of her not being here. I think being with Mom and Dad I put my emotions on pause. I shed the occasional tear here and there but not allowing myself to feel it. Now here at home, it's consumed me. I tell myself, "Christine, get a grip". I know I will, but for now, I hurt.