2:31 a.m.

and I’m sitting here at the computer with the sound of the TV in the background. It’s the Fresh Prince getting in trouble with Uncle Phil once again.

It’s quiet, the kids are sleeping and again, I’m awake. This is my time. I can hop on the computer, play some games or just sit and think. I don't always choose the latter. Especially lately I’ve not wanted to deal with anything.

It’s one of my stages as they call it. Grief, loneliness, frustration, and anger. Who knows nowadays? My mood can change from one moment to the next.

Grief, it's all about my Grandma. To be expected and won't change any time soon. The loneliness hits, especially at night. But like the previous, it won't change any time soon. Frustration, due to events beyond my control I’m behind on a lot of things around here. Thankfully that is in the process of changing as I type this. Anger, don't quite know about that one. The anger I feel towards myself or towards someone else? I’ll have to contemplate that one.

Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward then two steps back. In everything I do I’m always trying to catch up. But to what? To whose expectations do I feel I have to live up to? To mine? To his? To their’s? Life is such a rat race. See who comes out the winner at the end. I think I have to just learn to enjoy the ride. Just let go. Live today, and tomorrow let things fall where they may.