Lately I would say I am one cycle away from being put in the nut hut. Then I have days like today where I wake up and feel like I'm truly alive for the first time in a long time. Maybe it's the three cans of RockStar I've had so far or it could just be a good day. Either way I'll take it!!
This thing, it’s in my head. In this messed up place that controls my thoughts and my most inner being. This screwed up faulty place. Where all the badness lives. They say you can blame it on some awful childhood experiences. Bullying at school, emotional or physical abuse. They say it's chemical.
It's my head that is at fault, and it's my brain that is the fault. So in the end, it is my fault.
This thing that makes me go up and down, in the same very way that the tide goes in and out. It has the ability to cause destruction, to cause the end of everything.
This thing is everything and nothing. Nothing because you can’t see it so there is no tangible evidence of its existence and Everything because it’s the undoing of me. If I let it this thing has the capability of being the end of me.
This thing, it’s the reminder of the cyclical pattern that my life seems to go. This relentless pattern that I know will never end, never ending imbalance.
This thing brings fear and hopelessness; it brings joy and music to my head. This thing attempts to end the very thing that is me. This thing will never go away, will never leave me be. It has shaped my past and will my future. It's all happening again, this spiral down is starting for I can feel it at the very core of me. The cause of it is in my head. My head that’s what makes me, me. It seeps into every part of my life; parenthood, wife, child, sibling, friend. It has the power to suck the life, the life out of all of them. I think it wants me to lose everything.
This thing makes me fight for every inch of freedom, every free choice I try to make. This thing, this inner demon that clutches my every movement.
I'm fighting, fighting, will it ever end...
I could just let myself feel what I need to feel so that way it could just pass and I could move on.
If only it was that friggin simple. I just feel so...lost.
I'm 41. Really? Where the heck did all the time go. It's funny because on some days I feel like I'm at death's door and on others I feel like I could rule the world. It's been a while since I've felt the latter but I remember those days and I miss them.
My goal this year, to live. Live life to the fullest and not let this friggin disease get me. I've been struggling so much lately and I am just so tired. Tired of the control it has over me. There are some major decisions I have to make. I need to dissect my life and the way I'm living and make the changes that will make me happy. Ones that I know will make my life, my families life better in the long run. Scares the crap out of me really because as I'm writing this I'm already doubting myself. That ugly voice in my head that makes me question my every move. I have to beat her ass and stick her in a box somewhere, show her who's boss. I want to be happy again. I'm going to fight to be happy again.
It's the greatest gift I can give myself.
was a sucky night. It always seems harder at night. I think it's the quiet. Which is surprising because I really like the quiet during the daytime. But at night when everything is turned off and all I have are the thoughts in my mind, things get ugly. I think that's why I leave the TV turned on most of the time. I may not be paying attention but at least the sounds of Roseanne yelling at Darlene and Becky fill the air and stops me from thinking too much. I have so much to do today and very little energy to do it. Everyday lately just seems like a broken record. I have to get myself out of this rut and start to get things done. I want to call my psych but I'm afraid to. I hate that sound of concern in her voice every time I call her. Then when she asks that dreaded question that they are required to ask I always have to lie and tell her no. I don't like lying but honesty sometimes is not the best route. One Rock Star down and nothing. These things don't work for crap. I want a brownie.
"It is a daily war against giving into the darkness. The impulses, and constant voices in your head saying how unworthy to be here, how unworthy of life push into you. But, each day we win, we survive, and those who have not these forces pushing them have no concept of how strong you are, we all are, for winning a war daily against things that would immobilize any of them. I have had people tell me how weak I am, and I know, in my heart anyway, that they would never get out of bed, if for a moment they were shown what really goes on inside. Each day we survive is another victory we can draw on. Don't give up on yourself. We can't lose sight of what it means to live each day out, when your own body conspires against you. We are not weak. We are strong. By surviving, daily, we show how strong we are."
That’s how I have felt the last month. Trying every morning to get out of bed and do what needs to get done. Even when I do muster up the energy, emotionally I just don’t have the strength to move forward. So I go to bed scolding myself for wasting another day and say it will be better tomorrow. Many tomorrow’s later and nothing has changed. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m happy, I’m mad. I would almost take not feeling anything over feeling it all at once. Seclusion was nice but not healthy for the little people around me so I got out. So hard, but good for them in the end. They seem pretty oblivious to everything this time and that has been a blessing. So my promise to myself this week, “I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... “~Sam Baldwin
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