Contemplating

What to do next. It’s been years, so many years where I have felt like this and to have it labeled makes me uneasy. I don’t really know what to do with all the emotions I’m feeling right now. I continue to just be exhausted. Tired of all the thinking and the reviewing of my life, past and present. It’s taking over every aspect of my life right now and I’m really frustrated. I know this sounds like a pity party for one; but really it’s not. I’m just getting my feelings out there so that hopefully I can let them go. I know I’m not in a good place right now in my head and I have to release it or it will just stay in there until it boils over.

So there, it’s out. I’m going to do what I need to do to get myself through this dark tunnel that I’m in right now. The light is faint but I know it’s down there. I just have to keep working on it until I reach it.

Exhausted

I’m stopping. I can’t do this right now. I lost it and had a hard time getting things back in line. How did I lose a day somewhere? It amazes me how I can feel so in control of things and in reality be totally out of control. Open your eyes see what you’re doing! I’m tired. I just need to stop, and breathe.

I am

I am complicated.

That statement is so true.
Self has gotten so lost that I am a jumble of emotions, thoughts, and actions that are just across the board. I need some continuity. I realize I have never had that. Some type of timeline for my future. A road that I know is leading somewhere. A road to sanity if you will. At the same time I am so fearful. I am an emotional person by nature. I don’t want that to change. I don’t want it to be hindered by my having to seem a certain way or behave in a certain manner. My sanity or lack thereof is part of me. I embrace that and at the same time I’m doing everything in my power to push it away. I just wish I could get things straight. Figure it out without having to go through this process.
Will I like the person I find? Will it still be me just maybe a better version? Only time will tell.

Consumed

I feel it taking over and I want it to end. I just can’t seem to get my mind to stop thinking about things. Like I said before it’s like I opened up this pandora’s box of crap and now I can’t seem to get it all shoved back in. I feel totally overwhelmed by what I have ahead of me; like I’m losing control. I don’t like that feeling, I don’t know anyone who does. I know this is something I need to do and I am ready but I just am having trouble with the process of the whole thing.
I mean these are things that I buried deep down inside for a reason. They hurt. Right now at this moment; I hurt. It sucks. I’m angry. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs so I can just release some of it. But I sit here, writing. Because “losing it” is not an option.
I sometimes wonder why...why am I doing this? To say to better myself sounds so selfish. No matter what anyone else says. This time would be better served being with my kids and taking care of business here at home. I’m fighting that feeling. I know a better me will make me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. This process just seems never ending. I mean I have been like this since I can remember. Do I really need to figure things out now? Yes, I do.

Feeling the Need

to write again. I think it helps to clear my mind a little. Whenever I stop I really feel it. So I’m going to start. Can’t commit to everyday because I never quite know where I will be from one day to the next. Not meaning physically but mentally. I sound like a crazy woman don't I? Oh well... this is my journey, I claim it.

Release

It’s always temporary but at least it’s something.
Sometimes I feel the walls closing in on me and I just want to scream.
This weekend I allowed myself to scream,
Even if only in my own head.
I let my walls down for a little while.
All at the same time while making sure I didn’t expose too much.
Open and shut at the same time.
I guess it is possible.
I felt a freedom that I remember from when I was young
That freedom that can only result in something going wrong
It’s not doom I’m feeling or negativity, just being real.
I know me.
If I get to comfortable doing something I will do it in excess.
So I am back to trying to control things.
The same things that are so totally out of control
How did I allow myself to get to this place again?
I’ll have to figure that out.

Keeping perspective

There is a fine line that once it’s crossed you just don’t know how to go back. Don’t know if it’s best to just move forward or deal with the crap right then. After a lifetime of ignoring things why all of a sudden is it best to rehash things and deal with them. Is keeping them tucked away so damaging to your soul?

Pandora’s Box

I opened it and don’t like what I see. There is just too much to deal with, too much to work on. I feel like I’m suffocating. Trapped in this box and the lid is sealed shut. I’m pounding at it and no one is coming to save me. I feel so alone and so misunderstood. There is regret that I let people in this time. The analytical eyes of others; that I just feel boring a hole in my head. Ones that although go through their own pain on a daily basis don’t know how or what I am feeling. I don’t blame them. This is a hard thing to figure out for me; how can I expect anyone else to do it?

Hole

There is this hole inside of me. I’m trying to fill it up. Family, friends it’s all in there. So what could be missing? I ask myself that throughout my day. I haven’t been able to find an answer. It’s frustrating. It’s scary. I get angry and just want to say screw it all. Guess this is just how I will live out my days. Always feeling like there is something I’m not experiencing or dealing with.
How can one be so thankful for what they have been given in life and still feel like there’s something missing? Through this road to self discovery I hope to find out.

Do Over...

In life we travel down roads, make decisions, choices. If you had a chance for a do over, would you take it? I know the life we have led makes us who we are; so does wanting to go back and do some things differently mean we’re not happy with the people we turned out to be?

Something worth fighting for...

I’m sure we all have something, someone in our lives that we would not hesitate to fight for. But when push comes to shove do you know what/who those things, those people are? And truly; would you do it? Would you put yourself out there to the universe and say, “This to me is something worth fighting for”. Knowing that you might experience pain. Knowing that you may figure out things about yourself, about that other person that you don’t want to know. Those things we want to keep hidden in that little corner of ourselves. You know that corner within us. We all have them. The place where those random thoughts those random actions that we’ll never touch exist. Do we fight knowing that in the end it may just be a losing battle or do we hope beyond all hope that it will turn out the way we always dreamed it would be?

Relationships are such fragile things to begin with. But really should they be? They should be strong enough to stand the test of time, the cracks of everyday life.
When life get’s tough, Love must get tougher. The will to fight must get stronger.

I think in all of our lives we wish for pretty much the same things. The test is when we get those things how far are we willing to go to make sure we never lose them?

One question still presents itself. When should the will to fight give in to the reality that you should move on?

Fear of the unknown...

Fear of making the wrong decision. There are just so many things going through my mind right now. I have a question. To be in love? Not in the simple sense but the down and dirty real life type of love. By any definition that is to mean having those feelings for someone where your heart feels like it’s going to beat right out of your chest. Where you feel like through all of life’s madness you still can find comfort, protection from that one person no matter what life is throwing at you. It’s that feeling that this person gives you that no one else in the world can come close to. You only feel like that when you’re in the presence of that person, that person who you know you want to spend the rest of your life with. Through the good times, the bad times and all those times in between. My mind is in shambles right now trying to piece together where that feeling is. Or is this just a progression relationships go through; where things just start to be. I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is this has to be figured out. In life we all strive to be happy. To attain that true happiness that everyone talks about. It’s not to much to ask, is it?

I ask myself how I got to this place of quandary and honestly all I can say is that it’s a ton of little things. Those little things that when pieced together seem to just break that fragile organ known as my heart.

Moments of Joy

Merriam-Webster definition ~
Main Entry: 1joy
Pronunciation: 'joiFunction: noun1 a: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires: DELIGHT b: the expression or exhibition of such emotion: GAIETY2: a state of happiness or felicity: BLISS3: a source or cause of delight

True joy. Do we all have it? I mean really. Other then the obvious which is our family and friends. What gives you joy?
It’s so funny because I was thinking about this the other day and it just happened to be the subject of the morning radio show I listen to today. Share your moments of joy. Excluding the obvious.
I was thinking and other then the obvious I couldn’t come up with anything. What does that say about me?
I’m not ungrateful for the things, the people I have in my life. I know I am truly blessed. But really my joy, my true joy comes from my kids, my grandbaby, my hubby, my family and friends. These budding relationships I have with each and every one of these people.
Is that enough? Should I be searching for more? Or is it something within myself that’s holding me back from experiencing life the way it should be?
This seemed like such a simple question until the boundaries for the answer were set.
Hmm... I don’t know.

hand in hand

The poet in my soul

fighting from within

my inner-self struggling

to be free

wanting you to understand

the love

needing you to understand

my complexities

I’m not a simple creature

tied neatly in a bow

the positive

the negative

this is me

who I am

who I will become

only the future can tell

to be part of that

to walk hand in hand

to share

my love

my desire

my hopes

my dreams

my life

Words escape me....

sometimes they just do. I have all these feelings pent up inside and there's no way of expressing them. It gets so frustrating at times. I try to say something and either I don't convey it right or it gets misunderstood. All I know is this. I'm not letting my past define who I am today. But I can't forget it either. It is part of me, it helped mold the person I am. My mistakes, my triumphs; all of them rolled up into one. This woman sitting here tapping away at the keyboard. This is me.

Memorial Day

Can u believe I didn't post this? Something so important and I left it in my draft box. I re-read it. Something I told myself I would never do while writing this blog. I did what I thought I would. Deleted it and started again. So here we go.

A day like Memorial Day holds such significance I feel as though you need to find the right words. Then I think and I don’t find those words. What can you really say about those that gave up so much, gave up everything for our freedom? The freedom so many of us take for granted. Think about it. How many people do you think really give it any thought throughout their day? Driving down the road with fast food places that line the street; standing in that line at the grocery store. How about when they go renew their drivers license or drop their kids off at school. Do we all realize just how lucky we are; that we have the freedom to do those things on a daily basis. Who we have to say thank you to for making sure we keep those rights. Our military, past and present; they all took a part in keeping our freedom alive. Some gave the ultimate sacrifice. Saying goodbye to their loved ones not knowing it would be the last time they ever saw their faces. It just seems like they should have more then a day. A day where most people plan barbeques and don’t even stop to reflect as to the reason why they have that day off from work, or school. A day, one day just doesn’t seem like enough. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. But as simple as those words are; they hold so much meaning to those that have served with pride. Thank you to servicemen past and present for making that sacrifice, facing unknown enemies with courage. Because of you we continue to be free.

Surrendering to love...

Sometimes you just have to let go. You let go and just feel what you feel and stop denying the love. I’m confusing even myself right now. I think with his absence I’ve looked to other things to take his place and in the process I’ve felt so disconnected to him. He can't help that he's not here. What he can do is take part in our keeping that connection as husband and wife. That connection we lost even while he was home. It’s almost like we've forgotten how to communicate. We joke, we small talk and that's where it ends. The rut we've gotten into is a dangerous one. We say I love you but really those are just words. Words so easily stated between people nowadays. I can't say it unless I mean it. But there is a difference with saying I love you and being in love with someone. Now those are words I would love to hear again.

the voice on the other side of the world...

so close yet so far away. So cliché I know, but so true. The distance is killing me. Why can't these feelings be there when he's at home? Is that saying absence makes the heart grow fonder that true? When it's right here in front of you, why can't it be appreciated, cherished for how special it is? Continuing to take it for granted and one day it just may not be there.

2:31 a.m.

and I’m sitting here at the computer with the sound of the TV in the background. It’s the Fresh Prince getting in trouble with Uncle Phil once again.

It’s quiet, the kids are sleeping and again, I’m awake. This is my time. I can hop on the computer, play some games or just sit and think. I don't always choose the latter. Especially lately I’ve not wanted to deal with anything.

It’s one of my stages as they call it. Grief, loneliness, frustration, and anger. Who knows nowadays? My mood can change from one moment to the next.

Grief, it's all about my Grandma. To be expected and won't change any time soon. The loneliness hits, especially at night. But like the previous, it won't change any time soon. Frustration, due to events beyond my control I’m behind on a lot of things around here. Thankfully that is in the process of changing as I type this. Anger, don't quite know about that one. The anger I feel towards myself or towards someone else? I’ll have to contemplate that one.

Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward then two steps back. In everything I do I’m always trying to catch up. But to what? To whose expectations do I feel I have to live up to? To mine? To his? To their’s? Life is such a rat race. See who comes out the winner at the end. I think I have to just learn to enjoy the ride. Just let go. Live today, and tomorrow let things fall where they may.

Facing Up

I use no exaggeration
I’m plainly hanging by a thread
And I’m running low on patience
But don’t go blame it on yourself

I wish that I was in my right mind
But I’ve left myself unnecessary chores
I make it bad when it’s just fine
I was whole and sure and now I’m clearly torn, ‘cause there’s

Nothin' left for me to do
Right and left both bring me to
The center of my deepest fear
Where the truth is oh so clear
Embracing inescapable truth
And that's Facing Up to You
And truth is so cruel

Continual irresolution
Keeps me shackled to the ground
And I’ve been in dire need of revolution
For far too many days to count
I thought I was safe in the Hiding Place
But it sure is exhausting, livin' in chains
It’s paradoxical in every way
Nothin' makes sense
I can’t tell love from hate...and there's

Nothin' left for me to do
Right and left both bring me to
The center of my deepest fear
Where the truth is oh so clear
Embracing inescapable truth
And that's Facing Up to You
Truth is so cruel

I’m beggin' myself to make something of it
I give up still unable to comprehend
My own true will...

Nothin' left for me to do
Right and left both bring me to
The center of my deepest fear
Where the truth is oh so clear
Embracing inescapable truth
And that's Facing Up to You
Facing Up to You

~Kate Voegele

Just a quote

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.

~ King Whitney Jr.


I am hopeful.

been a while

since I set the time out to write about what I've been feeling. I think it's because I don't want to see it laid out there in the open. Even to myself I sometimes sound like a record stuck on one note, the same thoughts floating around inside my head. I'm in this rut that I don't think I'll ever be able to dig myself out of. I lay the blame on no one but myself. I mean I've gotten my wake up call. Coming home after being in the hospital you would think the changes would come easily. Well they're not. I don't know if it's because I still don't feel well or because mentally I'm just tired. Sometimes no matter how many people you have around you, supporting you, that feeling of being totally alone just doesn't go away. The list of things I need to work on just keeps getting longer. Who said the road to self improvement would be easy?

so much

has happened. The loss of my Grandma has sent me for a loop. I loved her so much and there is just such a void. Right now I feel so lost. They say be happy, she's in a better place. I say, screw that she should still be here with us. 90 years. What a ride. I just wish it hadn't happened so fast. It was too fast. My heart wasn't able to grasp the thought of her not being here. I think being with Mom and Dad I put my emotions on pause. I shed the occasional tear here and there but not allowing myself to feel it. Now here at home, it's consumed me. I tell myself, "Christine, get a grip". I know I will, but for now, I hurt.

Fear

What keeps us from moving forward?? Is it the fear of the unknown? It gets the best of us; the best of me? Things that I'll face that I think I won't be able to conquer. Really what's holding me back from the changes I need to make but myself? I think it's because I know once I really open my eyes to what's around me I know I'm going to have to make decisions that will affect everyone around me. There comes a time when you have to lay that fear aside and just move forward. I know deep down I'm still that strong woman I used to be. One not afraid of conflict, not afraid to fail or take on new challenges. I lost her somewhere. The titles of wife and mother; you sometimes lose yourself and let those words define who you are. I love being both but I lost my individuality in the process. I need to gain some of that back. Through this process I think I'll accomplish that. What an interesting journey this will be.

Times like tonight

he seems so far away already. His phone call came and went without much emotion at all. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess something more. I don't have the words right now. Maybe tomorrow I will.

another day

It was a hard night but we got through it. Both Daniella and Bella were upset. So we looked at pictures and I sang them to sleep (poor kids). Need to get Dannie a daddy pillow; she keeps trying to take Bella’s lol. She is one tough cookie and when she wants something she goes for it until she gets it. Hopefully that stays with her when she gets older. Maybe not being so physical, but that drive, you know.
I’m tired; this first week just drained me. Now I have to put on my happy face. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing it. It gets to be exhausting. Next week is a new week. I pray an easier one. Thinking positive, it will be good.

life goes on.

I know that sounds so cold, but, it's our reality. I wake up, feed the kids, do some homework with Raymond and then we go about our day as usual. During those times it doesn't even feel like he's gone. I guess I feel like if I keep us busy enough we won't have time to miss him. In some ways it has worked. In others it hasn't. Our days go by fast. The nights, well that's another story. The lack of sleep I'm used to. The heartache I'm not. Having Bella cry for him, asking why he's gone every night. I tell her to remember he's our Superman. He’s out there doing his part to keep us safe. It calms her down. I wish I could figure out something to tell myself, something that would help me get through my sad times.

To think, this is only the beginning.

so here we go

i dropped him off this morning. i was experiencing feelings i just can't even put into words. watching him wake the kids up and say good-bye. watching their sorrow come pouring out was almost too much to handle. reality sunk in like a tidal wave. it's here. getting that last hug from him, i didn't want to let go. but i did.

If I don't fall asleep....

will tomorrow never come. Will I never have to say good-bye. Will I never have to shed those tears that I know will fall down my cheeks when I give him that last hug. Will I never have to feel that pain in my heart, that tinge of regret that we always wait until he's going to leave to work a little harder to make things right. Knowing things aren't where they should be makes it harder, harder to see him pack that bag, put his belongings away until his return. Right now, this moment, this is what I'm feeling.

Why...

does he become the person I want him to be, the father I know he can be when he's leaving? Why does it take him going away to spend the time, have the fun that he should be having with them all the time. Does he do this on purpose, does he want to make it harder to say good-bye? Or is it just kickin in that he's not doing what he should be doing on a daily basis? I guess I should just count my blessings that he does this at all. This way they have some special time and make some memories with him before he leaves.

It came so fast

At first it was months away, then weeks, now it's right around the corner. I can't sleep, to many thoughts running around inside my head. I'm downstairs tapping away on my computer but I know he's up there. Sleeping, snoring away until he wakes up to enjoy his last day off in the morning. There's a comfort that comes over me knowing that I can walk up there right now and wrap my arms around him. That comfort will be gone soon. My heart has been on protective mode. Not wanting to admit I'm going to miss him so much. We had a bbq this past weekend and family said their good-byes. He spent some quality time with the kids this week. I think even our youngest knows something is going on. Such a young mind and she comprehends the tension so well.
I always say, I'm ready. I'm ready for the challenges that I know will come up while he's gone. The ones I'll have to tackle on my own. Every time he leaves, it's exciting and scary as hell all wrapped into one. So many different feelings my mind, my heart is dealing with right now. I don't have enough time to sort them all out right now so I'll pack them away and deal with them once he's gone.

Choices

We all make them. Everyday is a new oppotunity to either improve one's life or somehow screw it up by the coices we make. I wake up and come to the computer and sign on and words escape me so I choose not to write anything. Then as my days go on I realize I'm just keeping so much bottled up inside. What am I afraid of. Why do I not speak what's on my mind. What do I think I'll come to realize. Will the choices I've made in my life be the wrong one's after all. This life that I choose, this life that I love(and sometimes hate). Sometimes what we love isn't always the best for us.
Choices, I think I have a lot ahead of me.

Mortality

We all die eventually, question is when is it going to happen. Will it be at our job, walking across the street, driving down the freeway or will we go peacefully in our sleep when we're old and grey. If I died today would I be happy with the life I led. Would I be happy with my legacy. When my kids grew up would they like what people had to say about their Mommy. I don't even think I like the place I'm in right now so I don't know how to answer that.
Just things I'm thinking about at this moment. As morbid of a subject as it is it's one we have to think about eventually. Does it have to do with us doing our will, maybe it's about my Grandma being sick. I don't know. I guess I have some contemplating to do.

It's begun

The whole process of pre-deployment preparation. We had the Unit meeting a couple days ago. It brought it home that the time is near. Wills, POA's, Daddy date nights. Everything that needs to get done and very little time to do it. So we're trying to be smart about things this time. 4th times the charm I guess lol.
I guess it took the meeting to make it seem real again. You know after a while you get used to having him home. 11 months of having him home. I totally took advantage of that time and I don't mean that in a positive way. Times have been hard. Between us I mean. I guess marriage is just hard, but for some reason our seems harder then others. I wonder if everyone feels that way? He comes home then there's the "honeymoon" stage. That didn't last long. Then there's the tense argumentative stage, things change so much when they're gone. The kids change, I change....he changes. Then now when things are settling down, he has to leave again.
We can go through the whole "you knew what you signed up for" conversation and people say to stop griping about it. But even when you do "sign up" for something it's doesn't mean the transitions you're having to go through all the time are easy ones. It's hard. I'm not complaining I'm just stating a fact. I do what I do because I am damn proud to be a Navy Wife. I'm proud of what my husband does. Of what he stands for, of his sacrifice. It just gets challenging sometimes. Like now. We're in for weeks of challenges coming up. I think about when we're going to tell our daughter, she'll be 4 soon, she understands more. My 13 year old will be man of the house again. He accepts that role without complaint. I have to remember that this time is difficult for him, he tries to be so strong and I sometimes have to remind him it's ok to be sad....to miss him. Our youngest, only 19 months, well it remains to be seen how this is going to go. Thankfully I have family that lives close. Our oldest, 20 and getting ready to enlist himself soon. My Grandson and his Mommy. My life is full. I have good friends, not a lot but a few very close gals that I cherish with all my heart. My parents, brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews only a couple hours away.
I am lucky. I know that. I have a support system, but not all understand. The highs and lows that come naturally. The days where I just don't want to get out of bed, the days where I'm so happy you think something is definitely wrong. The kids going through their "bratty" days and me giving them the freedom to act out. We do what works for us. Days are hard, some days are easy, but we each experience it in totally different ways. It's the beginning. So here we go, we're in for a wild ride ;-).

A lil bit about me..

I'm a wife, a mother of four and a Grandma to one. My family is my life. My reason for doing what I do.
My hubby, a Navy man. I am so proud of him. I don't think he realizes that sometimes and I guess that's my fault. I'll have to work on that. I love him with all my heart. We by no means have the perfect marriage, but who does. We just need to become best friends again, I think in some ways we've lost that. I hope to get that back.
My oldest son, oh my goodness he has made this Momma proud. He has grown up to be such a good man. Through all life's obstacles, he's made it. From the day I brought him home he was always my little man. Yes, we got through those teenage years and made it out closer then ever. He is my confidante, and I'll always treaure him. Plus he and his girlfriend gave me one of the greatest gifts a child could give their parents. He made me a Grandma!! A beautiful lil' fella that I love so much!
My younger son, he is my partner in crime lol. I homeschool him so we spend a lot of time together. As parents we always love our kids but it's a blessing when you can really like them. He is intelligent and has such a big heart. I know he has big things ahead of him.
My oldest daughter, my little princess. She is a mini me. Not always a good thing, but God I love her. She is a bundle of emotions all wrapped into one little person. She keeps you on your toes because you never know what to expect from her. I cannot wait for her to grow up and see her as a young woman.
My youngest, my lil' miracle baby. She came so early but you would never know by looking at her now. She was a fighter from the time she took her first breath. Now she is a bundle of energy with a personality that is just so huge. She keeps me laughing all day long.
Then there is me. I am an emotional being, some will say that's putting it mildly, lol. But I wouldn't change a thing. OK, maybe I would take away the moodiness or the drastic PMS my family and friends have to deal with every month but other then that it's all good. I have a couple of self improvements that I'm working on. My weight is the big one, my organizational skills(I have none) and my tendency to procrastinate. All things on one of my many life lists. I'll share those at a later date.
So that is me. This is my journey. Pre-deployment, Deployment, preparing for Homecoming and everything that happens along the way. It will all be here. Hopefully at the end of this I'll be able to look back and learn a bit more about who I am. We'll see. ~ Christine